


Sleep Alone

by ivorybyrd



Category: Tenkuu no Escaflowne | The Vision of Escaflowne
Genre: Dark Romance, Dubious Consent, F/M, Gaslighting, Ghosts, M/M, Multi, Psychological Horror, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-16
Updated: 2015-12-23
Packaged: 2018-04-21 00:46:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4808513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivorybyrd/pseuds/ivorybyrd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dilandau appears in front of the castle gates and Van is hesitant to assist the lost and confused tyrant. He knows that its really Celena, but he doesn't want to trigger that violent side in the other. Dilandau has changed, and Van is realizing that even he has.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This was actually a spur of the moment challenge for myself. I don't actually ship this pairing, but I wanted to do something that worked off a plot bunny that ran off with it. 
> 
> I wish to advise that this story will have some adult content, graphic in description and nature. I will include trigger warnings at the beginning of each chapter if necessary. I selected "chose not to use archive warnings" so not to give away plot. If you come to a point in the story that it makes you uncomfortable, the edited version will be posted on FF.Net. 
> 
> Thank you for your understanding. I hope you enjoy.

Prologue:

He stood there, white linen pants, and white linen shirt stained with mud, bits of blood and grass. It was discolored from sweat around his armpits and neck. He stood there with blood running down his face, from a head wound that seemed serious. The rain diluted the blood quite a bit, but spread it further than his face. Down his neck, in his platinum hair. His feet were bruised black and blue at several toes, bloody from walking along stone and forest floor.

Van stood there, looking at the frightening figure standing in the forest's edge. It was like staring at a carnivorous animal that looked near death, starving. He was balancing the line of vulnerable and dangerous. The figure refused to move when he walked closer.

The other looked up, staring at Van with confusion. His eyes were no longer red with hate, they glowed like a faint candle, struggling to stay lit in a storm.

Van took another step towards the other. "Who are you?" Though the question was easily answered without the other's mention.

The other blinked, like he'd waken up. "Who are you?" He mimicked Van, the voice was just the same, a low purr from a lion, only more dazed than a drawl.

"I'm Van Fanel, the King of Fanelia, you're on my castle grounds."

The other reacted to the information, trying to process it. It seemed to spark some memory but was suddenly gone. "I… don't know… who I am." He then crumbled into a heap on the ground.

Van felt his eyes grow in shock. He rushed forward, and crouched to the other, ignoring the mud gathering around his knees. "Hey, wake up… are you ok?" The last thing he'd ever expect to say to Dilandau Albatou 10 years after the war.


	2. Precious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dilandau wakes up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Previously:   
> Dilandau arrives.

Van sent word to Allen, his stomach sank knowing that it’d take a week or so to hear back. If not longer since the rainy season was already upon them. He looked towards his bedroom door, they had no dungeons, the castle was still a work in progress so the only room with a bed was his own. He blocked the door to stay safe, and stayed away, prepared to sleep on floor for the night. 

He sat for hours in his chair, staring at the door that separated his room from the hall outside it. He was waiting for Dilandau to wake up and remember and become hysterical. He inwardly prayed to the gods that Celena would wake up and beg for him to open the door, and that’d be the end of this situation. He’d even escort her to Asturia himself if he could avoid Dilandau.

When morning came Van woke to the sound of thunder, the rain still poured and he knew that by now the other should be awake. He couldn't just leave Dilandau there with injuries or fatigue. He was sure that the other, whether Dilandau or Celena, would be starving by now.

He slowly opened the door, warm air filtered out and he could hear movement, and the tiny sound of sobs and moans. His stomach twisted and he called out in a small voice. “Are.. you awake?” 

There was a sniffle and shuffle of blankets. The bed creaked under the weight of the person in it. “Y-yes.” 

He could barely tell who was now speaking to him, he opened the door more. He remained on his guard as he peered through the opening.

It was still Dilandau. His pale silver hair hung around his face in waves, making him appear to look like Celena, but the eyes gave him away. The broad shoulders under the dirty linen shirt still shook. Dilandau sat with his feet hanging off the bed. They were bloody and cut up, with scraps of dead skin hanging off. 

“Do you know where you are, or what happened?” Van asked, trying to cut to the point, he was nervous with the other in this state. 

Dilandau looked up, his eyes drowsy and irritated. “I just remember seeing your castle.. Van?” he asked, unsure if he caught the right name.

“Do you remember who you are?” Van asked, standing at the foot of the bed, one hand on the post. 

“Who I am?” 

Van swallowed hard and looked away. “You… are Celena, but.. not her.. you used to go by Dilandau Albatou.” 

The name sparked some recall in the other, and like he’d been burned he recoiled suddenly and grasped his head. Dilandau broke out into sobs. 

Van cringed at the sound, hearing his enemy emit such a pained sound, felt like he himself had mortally wounded him. Dilandau was weak, his once towering stature in Van’s life was now meek and small like a wounded child. 

Dilandau shook his head, “I.. still cant remember. I try to but all I feel is pain..” He whispered. “I know it was bad, terrible things attached to that name.” 

Van was at a loss. “I should check your head wound.. make sure you're not going to die..” Van went to his private bathroom and grabbed a rag, dipping it into the clean water basin. He turned his head and lost balance when he saw Dilandau standing over him. He grabbed the wall. “What… are you doing?” Van’s tone was a bit more demanding than he intended. 

“I thought,” Dilandau paused, his face dropped realizing he did wrong. “Where do you wish me to sit?” He asked.

Van sighed. “Just on the bed is fine.” He still didn't trust Dilandau’s words, even if his actions paralleled them. 

Dilandau turned his head and nodded. “Ok.” He went back to sit down, limping and curving his feet to avoid applying pressure to wounds that were still sore. He sat back down with some issue, and was panting by the time he got back there. 

Van came back, and in the dim light he cautiously examined and cleaned the wound over Dilandau’s temple. It was a cut just above his brow, “How did this happen?” He asked. 

“I caught my foot on a vine and fell into a tree.” Dilandau explained. “I had to hide for a day in a hollowed out tree to avoid the dragons.” 

Van nodded, the wound had infected some already. He glanced down the other’s face and saw the scar printed on his cheek. He felt a swell of guilt, but tried to smile. “I have some ointment for your wound, do you have any others?” 

“Just my feet, I’m sure I broke a toe or four..” Dilandau looked down. “I am sorry to be a burden to you.” 

“Why did you come here?” Van asked suddenly. 

“I dont know, I woke up in the forest, and I cant remember what happened before.” He whimpered when Van dabbed at his wound again.

“Sorry…” Van had a feeling every time Celena changed she forgot, like the change had been so severe that it robbed them both of previous memories. 

Dilandau’s toes curled and his eyes watered. “It hurts..”

“I can run you a bath, and you can clean yourself up.” Van whispered. “So that you’re not sitting in messy clothes.” He cringed at the idea of turning down his own bed, but knew it was bound to happen. 

“Thank you.” 

Van nodded and headed back into the private bathroom, filling the stone tub with the valve system that Asturia was happy to supply for him. He sat on the edge and stared off, unsure if this was right. It was still Celena in there, and DIlandau didn't remember his history of rage and violence. 

Dilandau just sat there, glancing over every once in a while, trying to see what Van was doing, but then went back to looking at his feet, or the floor. 

“Do you need help walking in here?” Van called out.

“No, I should be fine.. you’ve done more than enough Van Fanel.” he heard the other, slowly move off the bed and limp back over. 

“I’m sorry, I should have thought of this when you were already over here.” Van commented and held the door open. “Do you need help getting in?” 

Dilandau had finally come in and hearing the question made him flush. “No, thank you.” 

Van nodded. “I will help if you need it.” He said, he just had to distance his previous memories from what had been going on now. 

Dilandau nodded, and when Van turned his head away he made short work of stripping down. 

Van only glanced over once, to make sure that there were no open wounds he needed to tend to. Van had his collection of scars, from training, from playing, from the war. The only scar he thought Dilandau had was the one given to him on his face. Much to his surprise, and sudden fear, was that Dilandau had long, nearly invisible scars along his back, in long thin streaks. Puncture marks on the inside of his arms, on the back of his neck, and on the back of his hands. He didn't look like what Van had imagined. 

Dilandau had the collection of unseen scars along his body, and new bruises that seemed more recent. Including one on his arm that seemed the size of a palm. The paler young man slipped into the warm water and curled up. 

Van turned his head some and tried to seem unfazed by Dilandau’s presence. “Here is a towel when you get out, I’m going to find you some clothes and food, you’re probably hungry.”

At the mention food, there was sound that emerged from the other’s stomach and chest. “Thank you, Van Fanel.” Dilandau whispered and watched Van leave. 

 

Van had no idea what the hell he was doing, he was really going to be hospitable to Dilandau Albatou. Who seemed like the truest male version of Celena in his current state. He thought back to the violent 15 year old, the tragedies he must of committed let alone experienced in the short time he was alive. Van thought of how polar opposite the Dilandau of then and the Dilandau of now were. His eyes were dead and empty now, he walked with a limp, he trusted Van while naked. 

He couldn't get it through his mind, like there was a large hill of the bodies that lead up to this idea that he could trust Dilandau. Van still felt fear, and like he’d brought a dragon in to be a pet. 

Dilandau was more than a dragon, he was a Dragonslayer, in his rank of the elite team that he lead, he had killed Dragons just as Van had. He did it for sport, or maybe for protection. 

He sat against the wall in the kitchens, the dragons were usually thick during the rainy season, it gave them cover, how had they not torn Dilandau to shreds from how much bloodlust was in him?

Maybe Dilandau really had been truly erased from his previous personality. All that was left was this living corpse without a name that came from whatever Zaibach did to Celena. He thought back to Folken, the way the dragons didn't see him as a threat and didn't attack. But no, that’s when Folken betrayed Zaibach.

Van tried not to think with a narrow mind, finding it hard with Dilandau’s case. Someone that was so malicious, who disregarded anyone but himself. 

Van’s spine stiffened. “No.” He whispered. Not just himself. The dragons layers, he was tired of seeing every single face of the men who served under Dilandau. Hearing every voice that shot at him with anger. Did Dilandau remember them now? Did Celena remember them at all?

Every once in a while, in large crowds he’d see someone who looked like them, staring at him long enough for him to blink. He never registered who they were until they were gone. They were in his courtroom, in his small village, in Allen’s brigade when they’d have feasts. When he was looking at the servants when they worked. Milerna said it was a side effect that most soldiers deal with. That even Allen suffered on occasion.

He pushed them from his mind, the last thing he wanted to do was trigger Dilandau with that information. He’d keep things vague, if he could ride out until Allen’s arrival, Allen would bring Milerna and they’d take him away before he snapped. 

He went back towards the chambers, passing by the front doors and saw the hanging weaponry. The chains and shackles caught his eyes. 

Could he trust Dilandau? 

The hill of bodies in his path said no.

He’d met Celena on occasion, she was sweet, quiet and delicate looking. The only thing that terrified him was that she had Dilandau’s eyes, his malicious, yet beautiful eyes that were heavily lashed with pale blond hairs. On a woman, Dilandau’s eyes seemed even more deadly. 

He’d test Dilandau, bring up how the Dilandau of old was, and the numbers of people he’d killed. He reasoned that Dilandau would refuse to be chained up, he was a lion at heart, or even a wolf. Capture was never something he’d enjoy or desire. 

And that’s how Van would justify it. He had to keep Dilandau more than an arm’s length away, and bound. 

He arrived upstairs to find Dilandau dressed and standing facing the mirror, when he heard Van come in he jumped and cowered. “Th-thank you for the clothes.” It was obvious that they were a bit too short for him, but Allen and his sister were taller than most Fanelians, including him. He was flushed in the cheeks from the warm bath. 

Van nodded. “Here, I brought you some food, its nothing special, my cooks and servants are home for the rainy season, I’d rather them with their families.” 

“I understand.” Dilandau whispered. “I’m amazed I made it here.” he took the bowl of soup and at it standing up. He was awkward, but he looked at the food a bit warily before starting to eat it with shaking hands. 

“You can sit on the bed if you wish, I’ll need to change the sheets,” 

“I.. am sorry about that.”

“I’m the one who put you there, its not your fault.” 

Dilandau nodded and sat on the bed and began to cautiously eat, his eyes falling on Van, as if waiting for him to smile about some unknown poison. 

“Is it good?” Van finally asked, trying to break the tension.

“Yes.” Dilandau looked back at the soup. “Thank you.” 

“You look worried.” Van leaned against the bed post. 

“Forgive me, but you’ve been on your guard with me, and I worried that for whatever reason you’d attempt to kill me.. or sedate me.” Dilandau held the bowl tightly, his face contorted into a ghost of fear. 

“I wouldn't try to kill you.” Van lied. Of all the times that Van tried to imagine Dilandau honestly smiling, a frightening image appeared in his mind. So as Dilandau looked up with soft eyes and a smile on his face. Van’s stomach clamped and he felt his chest and neck get hot. 

“Thank you, Van Fanel.” Dilandau whispered. 

“Dont thank me… It is true, that your name is attached to very bad things, and some of those things I’ve dealt with personally. We have a long history of feud, you and I.” Van pulled out the shackles and gauged Dilandau’s features.

Dilandau’s smile faded and put out his hands. “Ok.” 

Van had second thoughts for only a moment, but nodded. “Please understand my position, my first memory of you is knowing you destroyed my country.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Time:   
> Van tells an interesting story.


	3. Try Honesty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Van tells an interesting story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Dilandau wakes up

“Lord Van, I understand, but please bear with me and I hope I can convince you that I will not mean you any harm.” He whispered hearing the metal clamp around his wrists. Van kept them somewhat loose, trying not to hurt him more than he was already.

Van nodded, but said nothing.

“In exchange for my confinement in these, I wish you to tell me everything I’ve done.. everything you know and remember.” Dilandau requested, lightly grabbing at Van’s fingers to get his attention. “I don’t think I have much time here, and I know nothing of what I’ve done.. only feelings.” he whispered. “I feel Celena in me, and even she is ignorant of the crimes we committed.” 

Van looked up, pulling his hands away. “I don’t know if you will be able to take it, you’re already in a very bad condition.” 

“I would rather repent for my sins than not know and feign innocence.” Dilandau spoke, his tone and earnest reminded Van of something.

Yes, when Van and Hitomi pleaded for their lives in Freid, when Dilandau and Folken had painted them as traitors. He took a deep breath and glanced around. In his mirror he caught a glimpse of something, and when he blinked his eyes it was gone. Only then did he register that it was the smug face of the prisoner they took at that time. Brown hair brushed to the side, he stood with his head off center, black blue bruises crawling over his neck. He quickly shook his head to clear the image. 

“Please, Lord Van.” Dilandau begged. 

Van looked at Dilandau, and bit his lips together. When he came to something like this, Van had developed a system. ‘What would Hitomi say in this situation’ is what he called it. When met with really troubling situations that lead to a very important decision, he’d think to Hitomi and what she’d say. She was a bleeding heart though, and tried to see the good in all. She was the first to really accept Folken for his goodness. Would she see Dilandau in the same way? 

Would Hitomi take his face and give him a hug, would she caress his head like he were a child in need of help. Would she take off the shackles and cry with him? He could see Hitomi doing all these things. His mind conjured her image in the back of his mind, comforting the remnants of the other. 

Then he saw Dilandau plunging a knife into her, cutting her stomach open and laughing in malice. He shook that image, knowing he’d not sleep well that night.

Dilandau still waited for the other’s response. There was no malice in his eyes, only the look of a man desperate for closure.

“Fine.” Van sighed. “Let me know when you’re getting overwhelmed.” He wanted to make sure that if Dilandau became hysterical, he could easily subdue the other. They had medicines to subdue animals, it’d be easy to knock the other out if he snapped suddenly. 

Dilandau sat the empty bowl down, the chains ringing against the ceramic of it. “Thank you.” 

Van wasn't prepared for this, but he knew he’d have to explain things the best he could. “I want to preface by saying that this only based on my knowledge, you, well the past you knows much more about what happened than I do.” 

Dilandau only nodded, pulling his knees up some so that he could get comfortable. 

“I first met you in Allen’s court, but my first experience with you was when you lead the attack on my country, burning everything and killing all those that fought back. There were very few innocents killed, but most everyone was able to get out alive.” Van sat down in a chair opposite the bed and relaxed against the back of it. “The man that raised me after my father and mother’s death, and the disappearance of my brother Folken. The man that took the burden of my lineage and raised me like my father would have been proud of.”

Dilandau’s face remained unchanged. 

“We met, though you didn't know it was me until later that I was the one you looked for. Allen had been hiding us and my armor, the Escaflowne from you. Emperor Dornkirk sent you and my brother to find and collect it and I.” He slouched some and crossed his legs. “I hated you from that moment, knowing it was you who did it. When you destroyed Allen’s encampment, and captured me, I knew why you were feared, even by Allen.” He sighed. “You captured me, but I was able to get away thanks to Allen and Hitomi..” He glanced at the scar on Dilandau’s cheek, swallowing that fact. 

Dilandau wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. 

Over the other’s shoulder Van stared into a pair of bright blue eyes for only a moment before his eyes closed and the image was gone. The slayer that opened his door, and was knocked out had stared at Van with violence in his eyes.

Dilandau’s face dropped some, registering the words.

“You killed so many people already, and it didn't end there, everywhere I went, you left a wake of destruction in your path to get me.” Van whispered. “You tried to assassinate me in broad daylight from the sky, you destroyed part of Pallas to pick me up when they refused me safe passage.” He wrung his hands some. “I lead you away, but you could only go so far, and we got away for a time.” 

“We?” Dilandau asked. 

“Hitomi, and Merle.. they remained at my side after then.” He explained. “We were lost for weeks. And when we were finally close to Freid, you managed to find us, and Allen luckily intercepted and he was hurt.” He swallowed the prisoner they captured, he couldn't even remember the man’s name. “We almost lost Allen, and we were branded as fugitives by you and Folken, and then I almost lost Hitomi..” 

Dilandau opened his mouth but turned away, shame on his features. 

“Then we tried to find the one who planted the seed of doubt in Freid, and before we could find him, you killed him. Then attacked us. I don’t understand but that day was almost the worst I’d felt in my life, nearly losing someone I loved.” 

Dilandau tugged at the chains some. His eyes wet with tears. 

“We went to battle, and you were malicious, you killed everything in your path and you were terrifying,” Van’s heart began to drum faster against his chest, every pulse on his body surged from his blood pressure rising. “You… you almost killed me, you cost me so much pain and agony when the Escaflowne was damaged, I had to suffer hours of torture just to survive that battle!” He snapped, eyes wild and angry.

Dilandau jumped as tears fell onto the blankets under him. “I’m s-sorry.” he whispered. 

Van froze and cleared his throat. “I’m sorry.. I still don’t sleep well…” he lied. “Even after ten years.” 

Dilandau only nodded, keeping his face hidden under his hair. 

“We fought again, I won.. and at a great cost..” He whispered. “When we met again, you had become so corrupted that all I felt was fear and anger, your guymelef was a constant reminder of the bodies I saw left in your path.” He put his head in his hands, leaning forward on his knees. “Then you disappeared, a beam of light came down… taking you with it. It came down on Hitomi as well, taking her back home.” 

“Thats… when I was Celena..” Dilandau whispered, sniffling the words. 

“I guess.. Allen knows more about it. At this time I hadn't talked to Allen for a while and I was too concerned with Hitomi.” he smiled. “She came back, and you did too. Allen later told me that he saw Celena change right before his eyes, turning into you. You still had some memory, but the next time we saw each other it was the last time. The final battle for Gaea, I heard that you decimated everything in your path until you could find me. You didn't need a power to do as you wished like Dornkirk hoped. You bloodthirsty idealism needed no permission. You found me, and we fought, we fought until I was close enough to kill you. Your rage blinded you to the point that you faltered. As I was able to kill you finally, Allen stopped me, and we turned against each other. The next time I saw your face.. you were Celena, and she cried out to Allen to stop. And I nearly killed him.” Van was quiet for some moments, making sure that he’d covered everything he wanted to say. “That’s it..” 

Dilandau had slid off the bed and got down on his bruised knees and bowed his head low and pressed it into the floor of the bedroom. “I offer myself, in repentance to the tragedies that befell this country, if not the world.” 

“What..” Van stood up suddenly. 

“Take my head or give me forgiveness..” Dilandau cried out. “Tell Allen that I attacked you, that I demanded a unfair revenge against you.” His hair fell down over his face and neck. Showing again the circular scars where tubes had been fed into his skin. 

Van grabbed for his sword but stopped. “I cant kill you..” Van whispered. 

“Then I offer whatever I can in return for the chaos.. I ask for forgiveness, even if I do not deserve it.” 

“Dilandau I don’t know…” Van looked down at the other still begging at his feet. 

Dilandau pulled at his hair, and sobbed. “Van, I know your words are true! The feelings and memories feel authentic, if it is true I need to repay for my sins.” 

Van cringed a little and held his stomach. The way Dilandau acted, the way he begged, and his pleas of forgiveness or death. It killed him on the inside. He had no idea what Dilandau went through, what his side of everything was. There was a reason why feral dogs bit men, because they were abused. There was a reason why Dilandau’s chaos took its course, becoming a vendetta against Van. Van considered that his fight with the slayers, and the cut, and everything he did to Dilandau, fed into that chaos. He shook his head, Dilandau was unhinged before they met. 

Dilandau remained sobbing on the floor, his fingers threaded through his thin white hair. 

Van took a deep breath and swallowed hard as he crouched down in front of the other. “Dilandau, I have to forgive you, I think ten years is long enough for me to hate the person you once were.” he whispered and grabbed the shackles from around Dilandau’s wrists. “It may have only been a couple hours, but you do not deserve this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgiveness breeds friendship


	4. Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (I'm kinda dumb and I uploaded the wrong chapter before the correct one. I've uploaded this chapter, and will also be doing the next chapter tonight. Sorry for any confusion!) 
> 
> Forgiveness breeds Friendship. Van learns that Dilandau and Celena were never that different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Dilandau learns his past.

Chapter 3  
Breathe

Van changed out his bed, and let Dilandau sleep there a couple nights. They had remained quiet on the topic of war and the past. Van made them food, and helped to heal Dilandau’s feet and wounds. He’d have another scar, and Van was glad he wasn't the one who marked him. 

Now that the high tension had settled some, Van was going to try and keep his word about giving the other somewhat of a chance to prove that he really wanted to repent for what he had done. The old Van would have taken his sword immediately and separated the other’s head without hesitation. The wounds back then were still fresh. Even a year after the war, Van had refused to talk to Allen, he tried to reason that Celena would never have a normal life. That giving her a swift and painless death would right the wrongs committed by her. Van saw them as the same person. 

Allen hadn’t. The little time he’d remembered her, and how disjointed she was the time after the war he’d taken all her sins on his shoulders. Which only excused everything Dilandau had done.

Van had did his best to wrap all of Dilandau’s wounds, which weren’t limited to the cut on his forehead and the raw feet. He spent three days on soup alone, unable to hold down much more than broth and some soft vegetables. 

Van again re-wrapped the other’s feet. He sat on the floor with his legs crossed and Dilandau’s feet in his lap. He’d clean, apply ointment, then rewrap the paper white feet that had patches of black and blue. Two of his toes were still visibly broken so he bound them next to healthy toes to keep them from setting incorrectly. Dilandau hadn't been ticklish, but his feet twitched noticibly. Making Van laughing a few times, only to see the embarrassed look on the other’s face. 

Dilandau slept quite a bit, only getting up to eat or use the bathrooms. He didn't ask for anything, he didn't say much either. 

Van sighed and went to the sitting room and found a chair to sleep on that was much more comfortable than the floor or the chair from the first night. He’d sleep in the sitting room with the fire going. Though it had made him uncomfortable to light for the first couple years, he found it comforting during the winter rain season. The temperature dropped down cool enough that sometimes they’d get snow. The sea air from the north was always chilly, and didn't help keep the drafty castle from getting any warmer than it was outside. He had plenty of furs and blankets to keep him warm. He could always go and visit Merle, her and her sweetheart had a nice cozy cottage. He may, if it gave him distance from Dilandau. 

He kept Dilandau still at arm’s length. He wanted to trust him, but there was a feeling he couldn't get off his skin. An anxiety that was slithering around his neck. It could have been those nasty visions. Ever since taking that necklace from Hitomi, it had adverse effects on him. He was able to see things, despite what Milerna thought, he was sure it had something to do with the necklace. 

It wasn't like he hated Dilandau, hate meant that he didn't forgive the other. He still didn't feel confident that he had honestly forgave the other. The other was asleep again, he wondered if the Dilandau he used to know slept that much? He wouldn't doubt it, he seemed like the type to enjoy naps. 

Van finally got up from the chair, it was late but he’d really not gotten much done during the day. The rain had let up some, and he wanted to walk around the inner courtyard. Maybe exercise and get some fresh after rain air. 

The moon was barely visible in the sky, the clouds had consumed the night sky. The brightness reflected off the mystic moon and the great moon was barely evident through the seasonal storm. He stared up at them still, missing Hitomi, and wishing he could get her strength and wisdom. 

She was probably married, happy with a man and had children by then. She probably forgot all about him.

He drew his sword, looking at the old emblem on the hilt, it was old and the sword needed quite a bit of repair. He could see the eyes of all those he killed in the reflection of the metal. Always standing over him. Was the reason he could see them, that he had crossed over into the land of the dead? Was this the curse of those he slaughtered? 

He re-sheathed his sword as the rain started to fall a bit heavier than the light sprinkle that he was enjoying. His hair flattened against his face and he yawned aloud, it’d been a few nights of terrible sleep at the expense of his enemy. Not that he slept with complete soundness, but sleeping in a bed was better than sleeping in a chair. 

 

When a week had finally passed, Van was sure that his messenger had gotten lost or took refuge from the storm. Which Van wasn't too concerned, he trusted the young man to be smart, he had traveled all the way to Egzardia in just under a month. 

Dilandau’s health had returned and much to Van’s surprise, Dilandau’s personality was actually quite pleasant towards him. He’d sit with Van for meals, and was able to tend to his own wounds. They’d talk, mostly about the weather, small talk to pass time. Dilandau still remained mostly in bed or in chairs to rest. He may have been on the mend, but he was still trying to recuperate from from his fatigue. 

“I plan on having a shrine or a sanctuary built for the dragons, and those who wish to worship them.” Van explained, putting another grape to his lips.

“I don't know how you can actively worship a dragon, I’d be concerned of going to the shrine with food and not be a sacrifice yourself.” Dilandau countered, “Or is there a time of day that they’d do it safely?” 

“Dragons sleep a lot through the day, so day time offerings would be safe, plus it’s more as a religious thing than anything. To stay in their good graces.” 

Dilandau had rose a brow and pulled off a bit of the food he was given. “When do you think they’ll finish construction on the castle, cant be that nice living here with it so drafty?” he rubbed his shoulders. 

“We hoped to be done before this season’s rain, but we had a few too many setbacks.” he sighed. “And this rainy season is just going to put us back more.” 

Dilandau said nothing, continuing to eat without really anything to add to the conversation. 

Van felt weird, being unable to ask things of the other without knowing what he’d remembered. Zaibach information was out of the question, and his relationships with his men when he’d not remembered them. “If you’re cold at night, I have a fire going in the study where I’ve been sleeping, it may not be a comfortable place to sit, but it’s definitely warmer.” 

“It would be wise for me to eventually give back your bed, since you have been so gracious with your hospitality.” Dilandau smiled, again that genuine smile that made him look likable and eccentric. 

Van felt his stomach tighten again, “No no, its fine, you’re a guest and there are no other beds, we had gotten some commissioned thanks to Asturia helping with the rebuild, but they had to halt for the season, the high humidity makes the wood warp before it’s sealed in resin.” He explained. “You’re still on the mend, I don't wish to cause you more pain.” ‘Than I already have.’ He thought finally. 

Dilandau nodded, not wishing to press further. Van seemed quite grounded in his argument and Dilandau wasn't going to be a disrespectful guest. 

 

In the night Dilandau had gathered the blankets around him, trying to retain some body heat despite the drop in temperature. He was still getting over the slight cold that had buried itself in his chest. So he attempted to keep his coughs light, and hidden in the pillows so that the sound didn't disturb his gracious host. 

Van could hear whispers coming from the room, when he’d get close to check in on the other, he’d hear a voice through the door. Dilandau’s whispers came so silently through the door that he couldn't make them out. He dismissed them, knowing well that it was just how Dilandau was. He’d seem like he was having conversations with ghosts, talking to himself was a normal thing. 

Celena had done it on occasion before, when Van visited Allen and her. She’d be in deep thought, and then mouth words. 

Deep in Van’s mind, he wondered if she talked to Dilandau, and now with him out, did he talk to her? He asked the next morning, “I hear you whisper, who are you talking to?”

Dilandau seemed confused, almost frightened by the accusation. Then he looked away, lost in thought. “Sometimes, when I’m tired I feel like I’m drifting off and I just.. start whispering things.” He said. “I don't know what it is, I’m sorry if I’m disturbing you.” 

Van quickly shook his head. “No!” He said, and turned a bit pink in embarrassment. “Sorry, I just hear it and I wondered, since you’re also Celena, I thought it may just be… like you’re talking to her.” 

Dilandau shook his head. “We’re the same person, if I was talking to her it’d be no different than you talking to yourself, as a separate person. I cant distinguish her as a separate entity, as when I’m her, I don't feel any different.” 

“But you don't remember anything?” 

Dilandau glanced up, watching Van warily for a moment. “I don't, I can remember feelings like they’ve had a place in some form of time, emotionally, I can feel the last years like they were layers on a tree.” 

Van nodded, not sure what he was really talking about, but wanted to seem like he was listening. His attention was really elsewhere, and he felt divided on something. His trust for the other had grown, with every day he was there. He could see Celena in Dilandau. Further, when looking back, there was a lot of Dilandau in Celena. Seeing Dilandau walk, talk, move his hands and eyes. The way he mussed his hair, or ate, all mirrored Celena’s own actions that he recalled. He spent nearly two years in Asturia right after the war, gathering workers, money and assistance to re-inhabit his kingdom. Everyone who fled Fanelia had to be found, and some had to be begged to return. He saw Celena frequently. At first she was a picturesque young woman, but slowly when she found her feet and place, she had become vacant. At least around him. 

Dilandau was no different than Celena was, he was just… male? 

Van’s mind found itself thinking of the other’s anatomy. Then remembered he’d seen that Dilandau was as male as he was, that he had a flat chest, narrow hips and broad shoulders. His feet were long and narrow. His knees and thighs slender, his hip bones stuck out, along with his ribs and concave stomach. Though that was more from starvation and malnourishment. Aside the scars left by the war, Dilandau was immaculate. 

His mind went to Celena, she wasn’t as curvy as Millerna, nor as cute as Hitomi. She was tall and kinda lanky for a woman. She had some curve, but was nearly indistinguishable from a man thanks to her desire to keep her hair short. Saying that she liked Hitomi’s style and did her best to maintain something similar. Though in hindsight, Van realized it was more out of personal comfort. Celena’s hair had grown out some, but she cut it back to a shaggy, short style from what he could remember. Millerna had gotten onto her about cutting it herself and fixed it for the young woman. 

“Lord Van?” 

Van jumped and glanced at Dilandau, his face seemed concerned. “Oh? Sorry, I was a bit in my head about something.”

“Like what?” Dilandau tensed up. 

Van knew that Dilandau may have trusted him, but he didn't trust Van’s back and forth trust with him. On edge that suddenly Van would pull his sword and kill him, or toss him back into the rain to die. “Just realizing that you and Celena are really one in the same, I don't know how Allen could say that Celena’s different, when all I see is you in her and her in you.” 

Dilandau smiled lightly. “It may not be intended as a compliment, but it makes me happy that you say that.” 

“Why?” Van asked, his brows furrowed in confusion. 

“Just, having an identity, I don't know who I am, or could be.” He whispered, placing his hands on each side of his partly empty plate. “Knowing that I’m seen as someone, that I am no different despite my sex.”

“I guess it makes sense.” Van smiled in return. “Can you tell me one thing?” 

“Yes.” 

“What do you honestly feel, when you see me?” Van asked. If Celena and Dilandau were only different in way of bodily organs and a name, then Dilandau’s feelings had to be somewhat similar to Celena’s?

“Affection,” was the first thing that came from Dilandau’s mouth, he jumped, and looked up at Van. “Well, appreciation, that’s the word I wanted to use, sorry.” His eyes darted down to look at his lap. 

Van felt his face heat up some. “Oh? Its ok, but I’m glad regardless.” 

“I’m happy to hear that, really though, you’ve been gracious, and accepting of my intrusion.” Dilandau smiled. 

Van dwelled on the “affection” comment. Unsure if that’s what Dilandau had really meant. It wouldn’t be too far fetched. Dilandau was just another name for Celena. Celena having feelings for him. Dilandau having feelings for him, the idea made his stomach clench tightly. “No, Its alright.” 

Dilandau nodded, not pressing further. He finished his meal and stared down at the dirty plate in front of him. “Its cold at night, I.. don't wish you to take this the wrong way,”

Van looked up, swallowing his potato suddenly and coughed. “If you need anything please ask.” 

Dilandau’s face contorted to somewhat of a sheepish look. He touched the edge of the plate with one finger, pushing it away a little after tracing it with his nail. “I thought, it would be better to share the bed.” He glanced up and quickly turned the conversation to a safer area. “Taking turns or something.” 

Van felt that knot in his stomach tighten more. “I..”

Dilandau stared, waiting for Van’s response. When Van had stopped talking, Dilandau blinked and realized there was some tension coming from the other. “Don't worry about it, I don't wish to argue and be ungrateful.” 

Van looked away. “Its alright. It may be a good idea, eventually it’ll get cold enough to snow soon.” He tried to make it as platonic, and passive as possible. “Besides, you’re still coughing late at night aren't you?”

Dilandau turned his face away, the little slip up came out. “It is a drafty castle.” He said, somewhat indignantly. 

Van laughed, those times Dilandau seemed more like Dilandau were almost comical. 

Dilandau turned a bit pink. “Yes, I’m still taking some time to get better.” He whispered. “The cold and wet air doesn't help.” 

Van sighed, “I think it really cant be helped, and the last thing we need is for both of us to get sick at this point. Colds are contagious.” He stretched and took his and Dilandau’s plates to the kitchens. Feeling Dilandau’s eyes on his shoulder, he knew what this really meant. Sleeping in the same bed with his enemy. 

He looked over his shoulder as Dilandau turned his head. 

Dilandau wasn't his enemy anymore. Van smiled and dropped the plates off in the kitchen to be cleaned later. He made some more ginger tea, knowing the other hated it but needed it. Dilandau wasn't his enemy, he was repentant of his doings. The things he didn't know he had done. He had a hundred or more chances to kill Van, but hadn't yet. Or wouldn't at all.

Dilandau was sitting, waiting for Van, lips moving again and looking at the table in front of him with glassy eyes. 

“DIlandau?” Van whispered, handing the cup to the other. “Tea.” 

Dilandau made a face, but took the cup anyways and put his hands around the edge, cupping it and lowering his face into the steam to take it in. “Thank you, Lord Van.”

“You can call me Van.” He said, finally after the week and half. “Sorry I’m just now having you drop the formalities, I just think I’m ok with moving forward.”

“Van,” Dilandau moaned the name lightly. “Thank you, I do feel as if we could be close, I wish things had been different in the past. Had the war never began, had I never been like this.” He ran his hand over his cheek and to the back of his neck. “Maybe we would have been friends, or more.” He kept his voice low, barely audible in the last words of his sentence. 

“We should share the bed, if it doesn't bother you that is?” Van asked, waiting for the other to react. 

Dilandau nodded, his eyes still a bit glassy and tired. “I agree.” 

 

Van got to the room later that night, chores were done and he was exhausted from chopping wood, carrying it into the stables to let it dry out. He slipped into his bathing room and cleaned up, trying to do so quietly. Dilandau had curled up into a ball in one corner of the bed asleep, giving Van more than enough room on three parts of it. Van chewed some mint, washed up and changed for bed. It had been over a week since he’d slept in his own bed. Albeit awkward, he was happy for the invitation, Dilandau knew he wasn't going to win at sleeping on a chair or a pallet on the floor. So Van put the weird feelings from his brain. Sharing the bed with someone wasn’t abnormal. He’d slept most of his life in the same bed with his brother or Merle. Having someone there again, was kind of a nice familiarity. 

However, the person was Dilandau, or Celena as a male. 

Yes, he’d think of it as that. Celena as a male. This was less Dilandau than he’d ever known, and the more he spent there with him, the less Dilandau he saw.

Dilandau was facing the wall on the right side of the bed, the bit of blanket he had was held tightly in his hand and pulled over his shoulder and neck. He had only one pillow of six, letting Van have the rest. 

Van dried his hair some and moved slowly to get into the bed. He didn't want to disturb or wake the other, unsure what the reaction would be. He slid in under the top comforter, but above the sheet. Keeping at least that kind of barrier between them without losing too much of the heat. 

Dilandau only shifted a little, but the steady breathing could still be heard. 

Van was shaking, teeth chattering a little from the cold part of the bed was a bit hard to get used to. The only source of heat was coming from the other, but he didn't move any closer than he already was. He just needed to wait for the bed to warm up around him more. 

By the morning, Dilandau had been closer, his back pressed against Van’s some. Van had barely slept from how cold he’d been, his limbs sore from shaking most of the night. He looked over his shoulder when he felt some sun on his face. It still rained, but there were some breaks in the clouds that let the sun shine through in the morning. He saw Dilandau’s pale hair much closer. He knew that Dilandau probably was just as cold as he had been that night for the past week. He turned his head back and wished there was a fireplace in the room. That’s one thing he’d have to take up with the contractors. 

Van got out of bed first, and headed to the sitting room with the fire, they could always move the mattress to the sitting room and sleep there. Though he wasn't sure how up for it he’d be with being sore. Dilandau was still somewhat sick and spent who knows how long with the wounds he got from walking the miles between Fanelia and Asturia. 

Dilandau walked into the sitting room, looking over it before finding Van sitting next to the fire that was slow going. “Did you sleep in the bed?” He asked. 

“Yes, I didn't want to wake you, glad you slept well.” Van looked up from his spot poking at the burning wood.

“I guess you didn't sleep well, you look exhausted.” Dilandau whispered and reached down to touch Van’s lower eyelid. 

Van pulled away from the cold fingers. “Your hands are cold as ice.” 

Dilandau seemed confused, then bemused for a moment. “I thought it would have been more comfortable for you last night to sleep in the bed, but I guess it’s too cold for you.” 

“How are you faring with the cold?” Van asked. 

“I did spend several days walking here, it is amazing that I made it without a severe illness, but it’s never really bothered me.” Dilandau crouched down to sit next to Van. “Not that I prefer it.” 

Van glanced over and then turned his attention to the fire. “We can move the mattress in here, but its going to be heavy.” 

“I think we could manage it.” Dilandau looked around the room. “We’ll have to move things.” 

“Not a problem, I shook so much last night that I’m still sore. I don't think I want to wait much longer to move it before long.” Van grasped the poker and watched Dilandau, remembering the other’s adoration with the flames, his preferred method of fighting. 

Dilandau seemed unfazed by the flames. “We should just move the entire bed.” He finally said. 

“Would you be up for that?” Van asked. “I don't want you to overdo it.” 

“I am tired of being ill, I know you meant well by giving me the bed.” Dilandau looked down. “However, up until last night, I’ve been cold and not feeling any better. So I wish to help move the bed in this room so that we can both benefit from a warm room and a good night sleep.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Time:   
> Closeness and time alone can bring anyone together.


	5. Radioactive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time alone with anyone, can create feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Previously:  
> Forgiveness breeds Friendship

Moving the mattress was the easy part, taking apart the bed and re-assembling it was the harder part. 

It got them warmed up enough that once it was done they both laid down aside each other and panted lightly. 

Dilandau coughed some, covering his mouth with the inside of his elbow. He snuggled into the blankets and sheets to dry off from a cold sweat. “I think this was probably the smartest decision we’ve made.” 

Van laughed. “Sorry, I’m not good at taking care of people, half the things I’ve done right were stuff I remember my mother doing for me.” He whispered. 

“What happened to her?” Dilandau asked, and lightly touched Van’s face to move a hair that was about to attack him in the eye.

Van felt his heart hammer some. “She disappeared when I was barely ten, looking for my brother during his hunt. She never came back.” 

Dilandau’s hand moved away and he sat up. “I know Celena had a mother, who died after she… well we disappeared. Its one of those memories that Allen made sure to engrain in our memory.” 

“Allen..” Van groaned. “Allen likes to engrain guilt into people a lot, he blames me for letting Hitomi get away. Van’s eyes fell towards the window.

Dilandau got up from the bed and looked outside for a moment before closing the curtains. “Allen was a source of guilt in our lives, at least that’s how it feels when I think of him.” 

Van nodded. “I cant imagine what he’ll do when he finds you awake.” Van sat up and shook his fingers through his hair. 

“Maybe knowing he could be closing in will help me evade back into Celena.” Dilandau’s face head dropped considerably. His light smile turned into look of sadness. 

Van took a deep breath and patted the bed. “Well, we have the bed set up, I think I’ll make something for a meal and we can just be warm for the rest of the night in bed.”

Dilandau smiled and went towards the fire and hid his face. “Yes, I’d like that.” 

 

Van put together a good sized meal, to make up for the hours they spent working on the bed. He decided it was ok to bring it to the bedroom and eat there with Dilandau, it was his home, and he was an adult and king. So ancient rules of manners and common decency were kind of out the window for a while. 

They ate their fill of potato and beef stew. There were vegetables, and bits of other meats thrown in just to thicken it up. He added whatever he had that was on the verge of going bad. There was plenty of food left in the pantries and in the cellars. The stew was going to last them a few days anyways. 

“That was really good L-… Van.” Dilandau licked his lips and put the bowl to the side. 

Van watched and smiled. “Thanks, nothing better than throwing everything into a pot for two hours and hoping for something edible.” 

“Well it’s edible, and I will enjoy this for the next few meals if it lasts that long.” Dilandau smiled contently and looked at the bed. “If I stay awake long enough to eat.” 

“I agree, heavy meats and vegetables make me tired, but I need to tend to the wood or we’ll not be warm the next few days.” Van stood up and stretched, scratching his full stomach. “Get some rest, you need to beat that cold.” 

Dilandau nodded and put the bowls in a stack and cleaned up a little before watching Van leave. He slipped off his indoor slippers and climbed into bed and moved to the middle and enjoyed the bit of warmth that was retained from the fire, and the warmth in his stomach. He stared at the fireplace until finally falling asleep.

 

Van came in and fed the fire the bits of dried wood. He pushed it around with the poker and cleaned up some of the soot that had fallen out and in front of the fireplace and cleaned up some of the soot under the logs so to retain it’s life a bit more. He glanced over his shoulder, smiling at the sleeping figure in his bed. 

Maybe it wouldn't be bad if Van didn't have the sheet as a barrier between them? Dilandau had been affectionate with him, he’d been ok with sleeping in the same bed together. Besides, Van could just say that he didn't realize that Dilandau was under the sheets as well if he reacted badly. He could react no matter how the situation went. 

Van changed in his bedroom, the lack of bed made his chambers feel bigger, he could put a longer chair or a chaise lounge in here for the summer. His heart started to hammer slightly. He glanced at the door.

Allen could be on his way with his convoy. Allen could walk in on them in the same bed. He hung his head. Though unlikely Allen would just barge in, it wasn't completely unfounded logic to Van. 

“It’s cold Van,” he said aloud. “Dilandau is sick, the body heat is necessary.” He lied. 

Dilandau was still asleep when he got back into the room. He was turned the other way in the bed, facing away from the fire. Van smiled and went to the bed and crawled in, under the blankets and the sheets. He kept his distance from the other, but as he faded more into sleep, the more he rolled to where the weight sunk the middle. 

 

Dilandau was the first to wake some, moving closer to the the other in the bed. He found the heat being put off from it. It wasn't the fire, but a soft, plushy body next to him. He moved into it, to get warmer against the other. He closed his eyes and fell back asleep. 

Van woke up feeling wet with sweat, the one downside to sleeping next to someone. Too much heat made it hard to breathe and everything felt a bit clammy. He ran a hand through his damp, messy hair and moved up from the bed. He felt a pair of arms unwrap from his waist and looked down to see Dilandau curled up next to him, a calm look on his face. Turning a fresh shade of pink, Van moved out of the bed and escaped to the other room to cool off. Ready to run around outside in the pouring rain. 

He sat in the middle of the room, pulling off his shirt and wiping some of the layer of moisture off his skin. Dilandau seemed happy to him, calm and warm. The other was cute, curled up into his body. The more that Van thought of it the more he wanted to push his head into the ground. He shook his head, its just Celena with male parts, that’s all. 

He could act upon some emotions, he could even accept his own feelings towards Dilandau, knowing that Celena wouldn't feel any different. Maybe her passive presence was something different than he thought. His stomach fluttered at the thought. 

Van finally stood up, slipped into his bathroom and cleaned up some. He realized a bit too late he was also washing away the lingering scent of the other. Though it was musty, it was different. Unhappy with the decision, he went back to the sitting room, expecting the other to still be asleep. 

Dilandau was sitting up in bed. His hair was messy, and he looked a bit clammy and hot. “That worked better than I imagined.” He whispered when Van entered. 

Van laughed. “Yes, it did, I thought I was going to drown in sweat. That’s not something the romance books tell you about.” He choked when he realized his choice of words.

Dilandau gave him a sort of soft look, his face turning a little pink in color. “You are right about that.” 

Van sat on the bed slowly and smiled. “How did you sleep?” He was trying to distance himself from that kind of conversation, until he was sure the other had felt anywhere near the same. 

He disregarded the looks DIlandau gave him, the words of what more they could have been. He wanted a clear cut answer from the other. 

“I slept very well, it was nice being next to you all night.” Dilandau reached out and touched Van’s hand that pressed into the comforter. 

Van’s body tensed. “I-I’m glad.” 

Dilandau looked away, a bit ashamed as he pulled his hand away. “I’m sorry, I guess I must have been very tired earlier and dazed some.” 

“Huh?” Van asked.

“Well,” Dilandau bit his lips together and looked away, he looked torn. Like he was trying to decide on whether or not to tell Van a truth. “What you did, it may have been an accident.” 

Van’s mind whirled into oblivion. He tried to think of everything in the night, despite how warm he was, his sleep was really fragmented that night. He woke up a lot, unused to the other in his bed. Folken had been much larger than he was at 5 years old, and Merle would curl up on his back or chest. And when they were older, at his feet or behind his knees. 

Did that happen? His tan face lost all color, and he felt a little sick. The last thing he wanted was to was have a bodily function prod itself against the other before any feelings were resolved. 

“Van?” He heard, and a hand on his shoulder shook him out of the shock. “Are you ok?” 

Van looked up and forced a smile. “I’m sorry if I did anything that made you uncomfortable.”

Dilandau shook his head, “No, I’m sorry for being awkward.” He said lowly. “You did go through the motion of kissing me, but I believe it was between the sleep movement and being unconscious to our actions. It’s nothing serious.” 

Van felt heat again, his torso up into his hair suddenly got hot. His stomach felt like a vice had wrapped around it several times. “Oh…” 

“It’s alright, I woke when it happened.” Dilandau’s smile turned a shade coy. “I didn't mind.” 

Van was sure that he was sweating, watching the other get closer. “I..” 

“I do think it’s unfortunate that given how things have progressed, you weren’t able to experience it like I had.” Despite not moving, Dilandau seemed much closer. His hand had reached up and picked something from Van’s collar bone. “You had down here.” He dropped the feather and smiled. 

Van got up and without a word turned and moved out of the room and went outside in the icy rain. 

 

Van felt pretty terrible for just leaving Dilandau like that, but when he returned, Dilandau had gotten out of bed and cleaned up and dressed. He still had a smile and his coughing had subsided quite a bit thanks to the humid heat between them the night before allowing cold to break up more. 

Dilandau had cleaned up some in the sitting room, rinsed off in Van’s bathroom, and dressed in the time that Van was outside trying to calm down. 

Van was glad that he didn't feel ill from being outside like that. The icy rain felt good, but when he finally entered the room after watching Dilandau relax in a sitting chair. He was still soaked and cold. Just unable to bring himself to be around the other without feeling like his body was going to fall apart. 

Dilandau looked up and gave him a soft smile. “You look just as I did when you found me.” He stood up and grabbed his used towel and went to Van. “Here.” He reached up and started to clean Van up. “Going outside without a shirt is kind of idiotic Van Fanel.”

Van laughed awkwardly. “Heh, yeah.” 

“Go ahead and get out of those clothes and get dried up by the fire.” Dilandau said, and pressed the towel to Van’s back. 

Van tensed up. “Ok..” What was the issue? Van saw Dilandau naked, it wasn't a big deal for the other to see him, right?

“I can give you privacy?” Dilandau asked. 

“Heh, nah, I’m fine, I am soaked to the bone and its the least I can do for not giving you too much privacy lately.” Van laughed and started to undo the string around his pants, they were heavy and the wet linen clung to his shaking legs. He was glad he was icy cold or the rampant thoughts would have gone straight below the hem. Van held his breath. He couldn’t see Dilandau’s face, who was staring into the back of his head, or maybe his back. Van had no idea where the other’s eyes were. 

When Van was naked, Dilandau didn't touch him with his bare hands, he just draped the towel over Van’s shoulders and pushed him closer to the fireplace. “Get warm, I can go attempt to make tea if you want some?” 

Van glanced over his shoulder, Dilandau’s pink face smiling. “Yes, thank you.” 

Dilandau disappeared out of the room. 

Van tried to relax the best he could, trying to at least. He dried up quickly and got the warmth back in his extremities from the half hour in the icy rain. He sat down on the floor in front of the fire with the towel wrapped around him. It had the other’s smell on it, and it was kind of nice. Mixed with Van’s soap, the scent was nice. 

Dilandau came back with the tea and picked up Van’s wet clothes and put them out in the hall for the moment. “You should lay down, in case you do get sick.” 

Van’s breath hitched and he got up, covering himself a little. He tried not to be obvious in the attempt, to show he was self conscious. He got into bed and moved to the middle and covered up. 

Dilandau brought the tea over and handed Van his cup. “Here.” 

“Thank you.” Van had to admit, Dilandau made strong tea but good. He quickly finished it, so that he didn't spill on himself if the other decided to talk like he had earlier. 

Dilandau watched from his spot on the bed, where Van had sat before. He smiled and took the empty cup from Van and set it down on the desk, then returned. “Can we resume our conversation from before you stormed out into the rain?” He asked. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” there was a sliver of humor in his voice. 

Van shook his head, but then nodded. “Yes, we can continue, no you didn't make me uncomfortable, it’s I who.. kissed you anyways.”    
Dilandau smiled, content. 

“What.. did you need to talk about.” Van asked. 

“Well, truthfully, I was wondering if you had been interested in experiencing it again, since I didn't mind, and you seemed interested.” Dilandau moved a bit closer. 

Van froze some, and forced himself to breathe again. “I…” He pressed his lips together, and looked away. It was near impossible to actually look at Dilandau right then. 

“If you don't, I will understand.” Dilandau moved away again. Though only an inch of distance, Van felt the difference. 

“Dilandau, first lets talk.” Van started, feeling kind of weird that he was naked in bed, with Dilandau barely a foot away. “I have feelings that are very conflicted right now. I know with the isolation and your inclusion, and knowing that you’re comfortable around me. I’ve grown fond of you around.”

Dilandau smiled. 

“I don't know your feelings, you… have been unclear as to what you feel towards me.” Van whispered and looked down at his hands. “I understand that you probably have conflicting feelings about me. I want you to know that you don't have to appease me for my helping you. Whether you feel that way, or not, I just want to get that out.” 

Dilandau stared for a moment before breaking out into laughter. 

Van was scared for a moment, the laughter sounded almost maniacal. 

But then Dilandau wiped some tears that formed at the corner of his eyes. “Van Fanel, I do have feelings for you, sometimes conflicting.” Dilandau leaned over, his hands pressing into the blankets on each side of Van’s lap. “But I’m quite fond of you as well, to put it bluntly. I have fallen for you, king of Fanelia. Is it ok to kiss you now?” 

Van could only nod.

Dilandau moved closer, and kissed Van delicately on the lips, his right hand lifting to stroke Van’s shoulder gently. 

Van was frozen for a moment, and finally he kissed back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love or Lust?


	6. Closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Intimacy is enough to dull the senses.  
> (TW: Dubious Consent)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Previously:   
> The growing friendship turns to passion

They spent two days in flurries of kisses and affectionate touches. When they got too far it was Dilandau who pulled away and put a bit of distance and cold between them. Slowly he would let Van get a little closer more and more. 

Van on the other hand was getting desperate to explore more into these newfound feelings, he enjoyed Dilandau’s eccentricity. Something that used to give him fear, now set his heart ablaze. Dilandau was more affectionate, and was more than happy to do things for Van. He’d sit on the edge of the tub and scrub his back, or wash his hair. They’d laugh and talk about things, small talk about Van’s life in the past years. Van didn't push for info on Celena’s life prior to the past weeks. The one time he had, Dilandau became distant and almost afraid to say anything. 

Dilandau sometimes changed topics, especially when they started to get back to the war. So they avoided that topic, knowing that their history was meant to stay there. 

They ate most of the soup before throwing away the remnants. Then it was whatever was left in the kitchens. Van talked about making a trek to town for supplies in a day or so. 

Dilandau tried to seem ok about it, but retained an anxious look on his face. He expressed his fear of being alone. 

In return, Van promised that he would make the journey there and back within the day. He didn't want Dilandau making the walk in his condition.

Also he didn't want the other to be seen by the townsfolk. Van knew that Dilandau’s face was memorable, and many knew of the man that destroyed their country. For Van to take him in, and form a friendship, at the least, was enough to lose respect. If they found out their relationship had grown beyond that, he’d be ruined. 

The third night they slept next to each other naked, Dilandau’s suggestion seemed innocent enough. He wanted to have nothing between them, so he could warm up to the idea of intimacy. 

Van had cunningly violated the innocence of it, which would get Dilandau to laugh a bit when bits of his skin were touched. So it wasnt too bad when the romance of it turned into more. 

But Dilandau pulled away when his heart beat a bit too fast, and head became fuzzy.

Van obliged and turned away, he waited until Dilandau had slept to deal with his issue below his navel. It was quick and easy to get rid of, but he felt a bit irritated each time it happened. As soon as he was spent he spent a couple hours dwelling on what he was doing wrong, and why Dilandau still hesitated. They were adults, consenting and mature. 

Dilandau’s body moved against his, pushing his damp skin against the tanned king. He was laid atop Van with their legs tangled together, naked. His fingers were shaking and gasping at the sheets under them. He was scared, and it showed in his movements. 

Van tried to give Dilandau some kind of assurance, he held his hand and kissed his fingers. He pushed the other to his back. Moving his leg further up against the inside of his thighs. Van would move his hands and direct the other the best he could. He explored different places on the other’s body. His ribs and hip bone that stuck out, the lavender veins that peeked out from his closed eyelids. Van loved every inch, even if he couldnt claim him just yet. 

Dilandau ran his hand along Van’s face, kissing him again. He pulled his chin down and opened the king’s mouth so that he could taste him just a bit better. 

Van was the one who cut off the kiss, but not a moment after he kissed along Dilandau’s neck, he moved even further down. 

As soon as he felt Van touch him between his legs, Dilandau wanted to pull away, but he pushed himself to restrain his anxiety. 

Van kept his touches gentle, until he had Dilandau comfortable again. His lips kept going further south, and as soon as he kissed along Dilandau’s tip the other pulled away and pushed the blankets into his lap. 

“Please, don't.” He was shaking at the shoulders and looked away in shame. “I’m sorry..” 

Van moved up and sat up with him. “It’s ok,” He lied, and kissed Dilandau on the lips. “Do you need to stop?” He inwardly cursed for giving Dilandau a way out. He was so hot, and wanted the other. He only had so much time before they would be separated, before reality sunk in that Allen was on his way. 

Dilandau smiled lightly and shook his head. “No.. I think I’m ok.” He said. Dilandau reached down and took Van’s hand and kissed his fingers. 

Van smiled, taking that as the permission he wanted. “I will be gentle.” 

Dilandau’s eyes flickered with some fear, but he nodded. 

Van moved him down, pushing him to lay on his front, he ignored the scars along his back, and the old puncture wounds. He kissed along Dilandau’s spine and stopped at his lower back, his hands roamed over the pale skin, leaving some scratch marks every once in a while. 

Dilandau’s moan pushed him further. 

When he started to prepare the other, he kept his pace slow. Dilandau had went rigid, but he kept on. Van loved the look of vulnerability in the other. It was something that gave him pleasure. It was an intoxicating feeling, dominating the other. 

Dilandau gripped the sheets, hiding his face as he tried to focus on anything but pain and discomfort, hoping that there would be some pleasure for him soon. 

Van proceeded, pushing further with every moan that came from the other. He kept going until he was sure the other was ready. He pressed himself against the other, feeling the tightness of his body was almost too much. He laid against the Asturian’s back, wrapping his arms under his shoulders, holding him tightly as he pushed deeper. 

Dilandau bit into the pillow of their bed, he tried to push back, but his body only wanted to pull away. 

Van stopped for a moment when he was fully one with the other, he kissed along the other’s shoulder and then face. Tasting the saltiness on his skin, and began to move his hips more. He felt Dilandau’s head shake some, but kept going. He rocked his hips several times, moving slowly at first, then faster. The only sound was their labored breathing, Dilandau’s whimpers, and his moans of pleasure. 

Dilandau was trying to form words, but his brain was so far gone that nothing could come out. He had pushed his body up some, until he released onto the bed. 

When the body shook under him, Van finally came, though it was short lived, it had been amazing. He slipped out of Dilandau and turned him over and kissed him feverishly. “I love you, I adore you,” he confessed. “Stay with me forever.” 

Dilandau could only nodd. 

 

When Van woke, Dilandau was out of bed. When he went to search he found the other in the bath. He leaned against the door frame and smiled at the other. “Good morning.” 

“Morning.” Dilandau smiled softly, he was a bit dazed and looking worn. “Did you sleep well?” he asked. 

“Yes,” Van moved closer to the tub and sat on the edge. “Thanks to you, you were wonderful.” 

Dilandau looked at the water’s surface and smiled. “I’m happy that you enjoyed, it was..” he tried to think of the word. “I don't even know, but being one with you is something I wont be able to forget.” 

Van leaned over and kissed him deeply, “When Allen gets here, if you could be Celena, I will ask his permission for your hand.” 

Dilandau’s eyes widened. “You do want me to stay forever?” He asked. “I thought that was just.. lust talking.” 

Van shook his head and laughed. “No, it was my first thought upon waking, that I could spend the rest of my life like this. Just you and I, no matter your form.” 

Dilandau smiled, “That makes me happy, Van Fanel.” 

 

It happened again, and even more Van took the lead, pressing against the other while he slept until he woke up. Kissing and moving against him until he understood what was going on. Even when Dilandau tried to roll over and go back to sleep, Van snaked his hands and pushed his lips to his neck until the other was at his control. 

There was so much about this that Van loved, being in control. Especially of someone who always seemed stronger, more powerful. Van loved it so much, seducing his once mortal enemy. 

Dilandau took baths with him, but for Van they were usually too hot for his cold skin. Dilandau preferred nearly boiling water. He would darkly laugh at Van’s tender skin, as his became so red from the heat.

They had been together for nearly three weeks, Van had stopped caring about sending Dilandau away with Allen. He was with someone he wanted.

It was three days from their second excursion of each other’s bodies that Dilandau seemed to get into the swing of their relationship, he became more confident and secure. Though there would be times where he would wish to stay up and drink wine with Van. Getting too drunk to do anything aside pass out tangled up in the sheets or on the floor. 

Van was impressed that Dilandau drank so much, they had a full wine cellar that Dilandau discovered one morning, and they had been through three in the three days.

Dilandau would keep pouring the dark red liquid into Van’s glass, making sure that they felt good. 

Van glanced at the glass. “Do you really like this stuff?” Van’s face was hot and he was all smiles. 

Dilandau didn't seem phased. “Yes, something about it makes me happy.” 

Van smiled, “Then lets keep drinking, I like seeing you happy.” 

“Soon, I’ll be very happy,” Dilandau whispered and moved to sit on Van’s lap. He took Van’s glass and held it to the king’s lips and let him drink. 

Van swallowed. “So will I, soon I’ll take you as my life long..” He tried to think of a word. “Partner?” 

“Just say wife, I was born a female, I don't mind.” Dilandau purred. 

“Every time I think of this, I just want you in my bed again.” Van moaned, and picked Dilandau up some. 

Dilandau slipped from his hands and turned around the table to pour his glass. “Not right now, I’m enjoying drinking too much.” He chuckled and sat on the table and poured the glass down his throat. 

Van moved around the table and kissed behind Dilandau’s ear, “I’m going to bed, then. Come when you’re ready?” He whispered.

“I will, I think I’m getting there Lord Van.” Dilandau smirked and his white eyelashes laid across his cheeks some. “Just make sure you’re ready for me as well.” 

“Always ready for you.” Van took the wine glass and kissed Dilandau again and left the kitchen. 

Dilandau stared after him, drinking the last of the bottle. “The wine’s gone.. guess it’s time then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Time: What have you done?


	7. What Have You Done?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is a lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger WARNING:  
> Torture, Blood, Death, and all that jazz. 
> 
> I am really sorry for all this, but this was a personal goal for me to write, and I'm glad I was able to stretch this bit of writing muscle.

Van fell asleep waiting for the other, the few glasses of wine took their toll on his head and dulled his senses. Wine became a great nightcap and he didn't mind getting woken up by the other. When he did wake, he tried pulling his arms down from their upward position, only to find some resistance. He pulled again, waking enough to be cognizant of his surroundings and situation.

He looked around and found Dilandau nowhere. Van chuckled, and looked up to find chains wrapped snuggly around his wrists, and shackles to ensure he wasn't going anywhere. He pulled some, testing their strength. “Dilandau?” He called out, he kinda liked this bit of new fun. He waited, getting comfortable in his spot.

There was no word from the other, and as the minutes ticked away, the more Van worried.

The moments became a solid two hours before Van's panic had gotten the better of him. He became paranoid that the other may have fallen or gotten hurt, and Van was here unable to help, the further his mind went, the more frantic he became. He pulled, trying to get at the bindings that restricted him. The tighter he pulled, the tighter the chains pinched at his wrists. “Dilandau!?” He called out, hoping this was just a gag, or some kind of game. 

He laid his head down after trying to keep it up to look around, once he saw someone standing in the doorway that he thought was Dilandau, but upon blinking, it wasn't him. Van cursed the ghosts that plagued him. It was one of the blonde ones, he wasn't sure. He’d smiled darkly at Van, as if he’d been told a joke he couldn't laugh to just yet. 

“Van.” 

Van looked up and smiled when he saw Dilandau standing in the doorway. “Oh thank the gods, I thought you were hurt.” 

Dilandau shook his head, his breath was heavy, “I’m sorry I left you up here so long.” He came closer to the bed and leaned down to be close to the other. “I was looking for something, for tonight. It took me a bit but I found it, and a few other things.” 

Van smiled and pressed his face against Dilandau’s hand when it came close. “It’s alright, I worried, can you loosen up the chains a little, they are cutting into my skin.” 

“I’m sorry.” Dilandau glanced at the chains and touched them a bit. “Van, did you enjoy killing as much as I had.” 

“What?” Van’s eyes widened. 

“When you cut through my men, did you enjoy becoming just like a monster. You know, like me?” Dilandau’s tone was flat, and his hand fell away from Van’s hands, he didn't undo the chains, nor loosen them.

“Dilandau, how…” His blood began to run wild, that anxiety from before didn't compare to the panic he felt now.

“I’ve known all along, I knew everything from the moment I came out of Celena’s skin.” He said. “Its very disgraceful not to mention the only family I knew, and how you killed them.” Dilandau’s eyes were not the same color of red, they were dark, angry and just like they had been years before.

“Why did you ask me then!?” Van began to beg. “Dilandau I’m sorry! Please, lets talk about this, I didn't want you to live through that pain! Because I wanted to be the person you could confide in!” He was in a very dangerous situation, Dilandau's rage had come back. 

Dilandau’s face contorted into that iconic look of disgust. “Do you think I’m idiotic?” He asked, disgust turned to a dark smile, his voice shaking. “You did it out of fear, reminding me would have ruined your chances with living.” He moved away and smiled. “I asked you because I wanted you to beg for my forgiveness.” 

“Please, please forgive me Dilandau, I care about you… I care about you and Celena.” Van felt tears run down his face. His heart was beating harder than it had when they fought years ago. He couldn't bare the look on the other's face, the hatred in his eyes seemed to burn through him.

Dilandau was shaking, and he laughed out hysterically. He covered his face and screamed. “Do you see their faces Van!?” He yelled. “You didn't even apologize for disfiguring my face, you took EVERYTHING away from me!” Dilandau’s face was wet with tears. “You took my family, my brothers, you killed them ALL.” 

“Dilandau you destroyed my country!” He tried to justify, “You were evil!” 

"To me, you were the evil that ruined everything." Dilandau stared down at Van, "You were a monster, a demon." 

The prince could only shake his head, he pulled at his chains, and could feel the metal cut through his skin. 

“You still had that woman, the witch from the mystic moon, you had the cat girl, and you had Folken!” He shook. “You had Allen, you had your people who came back and built you a castle, don't patronize me Van Fanel.” 

Van hid his face into his arm, trying to calm down, he could deal with this, he could get past this and everything between them would be ok.

Dilandau covered his face and gripped at his hair. “I had no one, when you killed my men, when Jajuka died, I had no one. Do you know what it’s like to be alone?!” 

“Dilandau, I am here for you, let me in!” Van begged. “You have me now!”

Dilandau froze for a moment, staring into Van's eyes and cocked his head to the side. "I'd rather die, I'd never betray my brothers any more than I already have by letting you touch me." 

“Dilandau, please, think of what you’re saying!” Van begged. “Dornkirk made you like this! Not me!” 

“NO! You have no idea, you have NO clue what it took to create me.” Dilandau crawled onto Van’s chest and grabbed his head to force the other to look at him. “They cut Celena up like she was some kind of rat.” He lifted his shirt with his free hand and a long curved cut ran along his stomach appeared on Dilandau’s skin. It hadn't been there before, but Van knew that it was probably apparent on Celena’s skin. 

“Dilandau.. please, please forgive me.” Van closed his eyes.

Dilandau sobbed and shook his head. “I hate my skin, my imperfect, my scarred skin.” He reached down and with sharp nails he pried Van's eyes open. 

"Stop!" Unconsciously Van could only snap his teeth at the other's hand, he caught skin and broke through. 

Dilandau screamed and grabbed Van's hair and ripped at it. "You're no better than Allen! He only treats her as if she's a commodity." He confessed. “He was going to sell her freedom to a man for food and weapons. Zaibach gave me a rank and a purpose, they gave me a family.” 

“I’ll kill Allen, if that’s what you want, please just.. please don't do anything you’ll regret.”

Dilandau paused and looked down. “It’s too late for that, Celena killed everyone.” He whispered. “She set fire to the fortress after slitting her brother’s throat. She was smart enough to hide a woman’s body in her bed to make sure no one knew it was us.” He chuckled. “No one to look for us, to assume I came out. We wanted freedom, but lo, you were still alive.”

Van felt sick, “No..” 

“Its what he deserves.” Dilandau’s head fell to the side. “What does a man do to a woman he can't seduce?” 

Van was shaking, he shook his head. “Please, Dilandau, I’m sorry, please stop.” 

“What does a man do to a woman that cant bare children, that he cant get a fucking dowry out of? That he has to hide because she used to be a “tyrannical monster”?” He asked, his voice getting louder. “What does that man do to that POOR GIRL who doesn't understand anything, who is emotionally stunted and confused? Who acts out because that’s ALL she knows?” 

Van kept his eyes and mouth closed. 

Dilandau got close, his lips traced along Van’s cheek, “He treats her like she’s a rabid dog, but cant put her down because she’s his precious sister.” His voice softened, more delicate on his ears. “This world is rotten Van, you’re rotten, Allen was rotten.” 

Van saw the pale blue eyes of Celena, her face had surfaced. 

“Allen deserved to die.” She whispered, “Just like you do.” 

Van screamed but when he blinked, it was Dilandau again. 

“Lord Van, I’m going to cut you for every slayer you killed, I’m going to give you a matching scar, and I’m going to break a bone for every time Folken destroyed my victories.” 

“Was… it all just a lie?” Van whispered, trying to call upon Dilandau’s feelings. “This entire time?” 

The other smiled, a perfect manipulation of muscles just like before. “Yes, a good act don't you think?” Dilandau pulled a kitchen knife from under his pillow. He didn't take any time to draw it out, and began to cut. “Chesta, he was the one who released you from your room, he was my favorite, so caring, so loyal. Gatti, the one who had skills beyond your own.” He smiled and cut along the tan skin. “Dalet, he had so much potential.” he sighed out affectionately. “Guimel, he had a great smile, with a good sense of humor.” He stopped his blade for a moment before making a much deeper cut. “Miguel… the one killed in Freid, he was intelligent, he was one of my best. He may have been imperfect but he was the final straw.” 

Van whimpered. “Please stop Dilandau..” His eyes were blurred from the pain, and he could see faces around him. As clear as the day he saw them inside of the Escaflowne. They stared down at him, smiling and watching him writhe in pain. 

“I still have ten more to tell you about.” Dilandau wiped away a stream of tears. “I wont kill you with this, don't worry. It’s going to hurt as much as it did for me watching you kill them, watching them burn, hearing them scream for help.” Dilandau said between sobs. “Ryoun..” he went through each name, saying something nice, something affectionate about each of the men who served under him. 

“Dilandau.. if you stop.. I wont hurt you, I’ll… I’ll take all the scars you put on me. I accept them.” Van felt like he was going to throw up. “Please just stop.. I love you.” If there was any way to reach whatever recess of humanity left in the other, he'd do anything. 

“That’s too bad. I never loved you, and nothing will change that.” Dilandau looked away. “I cant love someone who killed the people I cared intimately about. I cant love someone who lies to me about my own past, like they can just ignore the wrongs they committed because they were a hero. Just because… because I wasn't on the right side, doesn't make me evil! I did what I was supposed to, I was created like this! I was made into a tyrant, I had no choice! I either delivered you, or I was tortured, medicated, and brainwashed further until I died! You just got pissed off, you flew off your high and mighty morals and temporarily became the monster you made me out to be.” 

“Dilandau.. please stop.…” 

“So.. you’re the only one who can say stop and be listened to?” He asked. “I tried to stop you the first time you took me, I didn't want it to come this far. That’s why its me and not Celena in your bed. I felt so disgusting when you violated me. I was in pain, and I haven't slept since then.” His voice shook.

“But.. you didn't say..” 

“You didn't listen to my pain, so I’m not listening to yours.” He lifted the blade over Van’s face, he moved it some so that he could slash over his cheek. He screamed and brought the blade across the other's face. 

Van moved against Dilandau hard enough to push the other off and onto the floor. He pressed the bleeding wound into his pillow. Dilandau had cut from his eye to the corner of his mouth. The skin opened up from his nose down. 

Dilandau opened his eyes and gabbed the knife, and looked over his limbs and body to make sure that when he fell he didn't harm himself. He could smell the blood pooling around Van’s head. He shook as he tossed the blade away and stood up. “I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cut that deep.” He grabbed a sheet and pressed it to Van’s face. “I over-did that, its too soon for you to die. I need to keep you alive a bit longer.” 

Van’s vision started to blur more, and in the side glance he saw the pendant hanging from Dilandau’s neck. Hitomi’s pendant that was the same shade of red as the other’s eyes. “T-ta..” He moaned and pulled against the chains more. He’d strangle Dilandau with that chain, he’d kill them. With Dilandau it would be self defense, and with Celena it would be mercy. 

Dilandau glanced down and saw the necklace. “If I knew how to call the witch, I’d have done it. Hide away in the shadows and wait for her to find you dying. Killing her, and letting her lay with you in your castle.” Dilandau caressed Van’s chest, leaving a trail of blood from his hand.

Van couldn't speak, his damaged mouth ached and all he could taste was blood. He could barely breathe without choking, his hair was damp from blood. He could no longer see out of one eye. 

Dilandau looked down at him, “Does it hurt? It’d be a beautiful scar, if I let you live long enough.” He looked up at Van’s hand and gently took his cooled fingers in his hands. The chains had began to cut off circulation, “I wonder if it’ll hurt, knowing your hand is going numb.” 

Van could only moan and look up. When he felt the tug he ground his teeth together and only heard the snap. 

“I guess it wasn't too bad.” Dilandau whispered, disappointed. “But Folken, when we attacked Allen’s encampment he decided to tell us too late that you escaped out of the back of the waterfall. Being his cryptic self, he did this a lot. Even if I deserted with my men, it’s Folken’s fault we lost.”

Van watched, he could only feel the pain in his face, and all over his skin. Everything was numb and sore. He grunted and tried to pull his hands more, if he could get his hand out, he could still have an advantage. 

Dilandau had moved off Van, he left and grabbed a wet rag. He came back and cleaned up the amount of blood that he could. “We could have been friends, had Zaibach not created me out of Celena. She could have married you, you two would have gotten along well considering.” He whispered. 

Van moaned in response, his eyes filled with hatred, but he still wished he could beg for his life. 

“Folken was a sorcerer, but you probably knew that, he wasn’t to blame for me. But he was the one who really got Miguel killed.” His hand moved over Van’s ribs, and pushed hard until there was a snap. Using most of his weight until he felt the vibration through into his shoulders. He collapsed into Van’s chest and shook hard. He was too afraid to look up, to make sure Van was still alive. “Are… you ok?” He whispered. 

Van could barely breathe, as a reaction, his wings spread from his back, and closed around them. He beat them hard against Dilandau. 

Dilandau jumped off and clambered off the bed. “Y-your… a..” He put his hand to his face and scratched at his scalp. “I’ll.. am I cursed?” He looked up and saw the blackened wings. He smiled brightly, his features became peaceful. “But I’m not the only one..” 

Van stared at the black feathers, horrified by the color. He remembered Folken’s wings, the black color when he left Zaibach. The black color was an omen of death for his kind. He was going to die soon. He looked down at the other, anger and rage over his features. He’d kill Dilandau, that love had died. The last weeks were a lie, and he was caught in the trap Dilandau laid for him. 

Dilandau moved around the bed and reached out to the wings, running his fingers along them. “I bet I’m not the first, but this is still going to be memorable.” 

Then they disappeared. 

Dilandau moved back onto Van, and stared at him for a few moments. “Van.. it’s time.”

Van could feel the metal scraping over part of his knuckles, and a sense of hope washed over him. He could quickly subdue Dilandau. His rage put him at an advantage, and his wings were more than able to carry him to help. He could even just knock Dilandau out, and run. 

Dilandau wasn't paying attention, but felt a pressure in his throat. Which meant Celena. He shook his head and covered his face, whispering so low that Van couldn't hear. 

Van felt his elbow hit the bed, and immediately he reached towards Dilandau.

Celena’s face emerged, her eyes met Van’s. “WATCH OUT DILANDAU!” 

Van faltered as she screamed, grabbing her around the throat with a blood slick hand.

Then the red eyes returned, Dilandau’s hand grabbed Van’s and in a rush of adrenaline Dilandau let his fists fall where they did, punching, scratching, clawing at the other until he stopped moving. His fingers became numb, he could feel open wounds on his knuckles. There was already so much blood, and some of it was his own.

But it was over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Except its not.


	8. Funeral Bells

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Was it the right decision?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanna say thank you to anyone who actually sat through and read this, I really appreciate your time and effort. Feel free to leave any thoughts, commentary, and questions. I really appreciate any feedback. I'm hoping it was everything you wanted. 
> 
> Also: if it traumatized you I'm super sorry.

Dilandau shook violently, his eyes bleary from tears as he sobbed over the ground meat mess below him. He could feel Van’s body twitch under him, and when the corpse ceased he sobbed out and screamed. He cupped his hand over his mouth. He tasted blood that mixed with his own. He fell over onto the bed and curled up. He’d never killed anyone with his bare hands. He never had to kill someone so violently like he had in order to be the last one alive. 

He twitched and convulsed between sobs, he grabbed the blankets that still had the smell of his sweat and lust on it. He cried into them and dry heaved, pushing the bile down into his stomach that dared to come out. He remained like this for hours, until he could no longer stand the stench that began to come from the other.

He got up slowly, dragging his feet along the chamber floors. He went to the bathroom and stripped down and filled the tub, letting it fill around him in burning hot water. 

“Are you ok?” Celena’s voice escaped his lips. 

Dilandau remained quiet.

He could feel her fingers on his hot skin. “Dilandau.. do you regret this?” She asked. 

He shook his head. “Was.. it right?” He asked. “He was going to kill me, I wanted him to pass quietly but… he grabbed me and…” he grabbed his throat and rubbed the skin.   
“Thank you.” 

“I couldn't let him hurt you.” She whispered, he felt her fingers on his hands. 

Dilandau rubbed his eyes with wet hands, the water began to pour over the sides and he reached up to stop it. “I… should have killed him sooner.” He sobbed and tried to clean the wounds on his hands. “I should have just poisoned him, or suffocated him in his sleep. I didn't like that at all, but I'm sick because I can't change how it went.” 

“I’m so sorry Dilandau,” Celena whispered. “We will be able to move on now.” 

“Do you believe that?” He asked, staring at her face in the water’s surface. “Do you really believe it? You killed Allen, they may catch on it was us?”

“I don’t think so, but we shouldn't here much longer.” 

He submerged his head for a moment before breaching after a few seconds. The water was tinted red. Even in the dim light it seemed like all the blood shed was what he bathed in. 

Tears ran down their face. “Why… didn't it bring them back?” She whimpered. “We killed those who hurt us, now we just have each other,” 

“I still feel alone, I love you Celena, as I love myself, but I don't know how to do this anymore.” He whined. “What else can we do now?” 

He could feel her arms wrap around him tightly. “It will be ok..” She assured, through her own tears. “We can leave here, and we can go somewhere and have a new name.” 

“I want them back, he should have brought them back!” Dilandau’s fist hit the side of the tub and he heard a bone crack. 

“Dilandau!” Celena’s voice cried as she held her own hand. “Please, we’ve endured enough pain.” her voice shook as she held out her shaking hand, a dark bruise starting to form. 

He held his own and curled up in the tub. “I cant stand that I don't feel any better, I am free, and I got the outcome I desired.” He panted, “But nothing’s changed! I still have scars, the memories, I don't feel free!” Dilandau sunk into the water more and covered his face. 

He could see Celena’s face in the reflection of the water, looking down at him sadly, trying to dry her own face from tears. 

He moved back up when his breath gave out and he sat up and wrapped his arms around himself. “What do we do?” 

“I don't know Dilandau,” her voice cracked.

“Do you think they’re happy?” He asked. 

“I think they can rest in peace.” She wrapped her arms around his shoulders from behind. “I think they are happy you avenged them, and are alive in the end.” 

Dilandau looked towards the bathroom door. “I hope he’s really dead.” 

“He’s gone Dilandau, he’s not coming back.” Celena whispered. 

“He wont..” Dilandau’s sobs came again, “There’s a feeling, I don't like this feeling.” 

She stroked his hair. “It’s regret Dilandau, I know its hard to swallow. We wanted to do this so badly, that we didn't give time to think of how it’d make us feel.” She whispered. “I think it’s a good sign that you feel this way.” 

“Why?!” He demanded. “I didn't feel this way killing soldiers! I’ve killed hundreds of men on the battlefield.”

“Because, you knew nothing else Dilandau, you didn't do it with your hands, Dornkirk used you.” Celena said. “You did this for yourself.”

Dilandau moved to get out of the water, his head rushing some. “I need to lay down.” 

“Rest, I’ll take care of things for a while.” She whispered. 

Dilandau’s body changed, and Celena’s curves and scars began to print their skin. She turned around in the mirror and sighed. She sat down on the floor and tended to their wounds as her skin cooled. She felt dizzy, but Dilandau drank so much before it all started. It was so hard to focus, thoughts, even ones that weren't real kept popping up in her head. 

She grabbed a pair of Van’s clothes and dressed, and she pulled on a pair of boots too big for her feet. Celena headed downstairs and ate her fill of food left over. It’d go bad before anyone came to find Van. She grabbed a cloak and headed outside for firewood.

 

Dilandau felt heat when he woke again, Celena had receded into their mind and let him surface. “Celena, why is it so warm?” 

He felt her arms wrap tightly around him. “Dilandau.. our revenge. It was our final reason of being.” 

He looked around and saw flames had decorated everything. The heat and smoke made it hard to see and breathe. “Celena, wait.” Though he had been the one surfaced, her strength holding him back kept him still. “Please Celena!” he begged. “I don't want to die!” The heat took his breath away, he didn't care for this feeling.

“Shh.. I’m here, please.” She had tears running down her face, “Please, just stay. Lets see them again, lets see our real family.” 

Dilandau stopped fighting, he was too hot and tired. “I… want to see them.” He whimpered as his clothes burned at his skin. 

“It’ll hurt a lot.” She said. “I… I can do it if you want.” Celena offered and caressed his face. 

He shook his head. “No, I am ok, I can feel the way they did.” He looked up, unsure if the images around him were real or illusions from the smoke. “They’ve waited a long time Celena.” 

“Lets not let them wait much longer.” she whispered.

 

 

Merle lifted the cloth hood some to look up at the unfinished castle that nested in the mountainside. She smiled and stepped out onto the soft wet ground. She was going to head up to the castle and bring Van some breads and meats. She was convinced he was starving up there already, and completely lonely without anyone. She wrapped the scarf around her neck a bit tighter and headed down the path that took her out of the village and up to the mountain trail. 

She had lost her love for him, knowing his heart only belonged to Hitomi. She got over it, and grew from it. She had married, she grew distant, but they were still lifelong friends no matter the days or weeks they didn't see each other. She still had moments where she wanted to curl up in his bed at his feet. Or hang all over him. But she pushed those desires away.

The path was darkening, she pulled out her lantern and lit it with the bit of flint and cover from her cloak. 

“Hey!” 

She turned and saw a figure running up to her. “Hello?” She called out, but the figure was too blurred in the rain. “Who’s there?” 

“Merle!” The familiar voice of Finnegan, the messenger hit her ears and his smell was stranger than it had been. 

“Finn!” She smiled and held up her lantern. “How are you? Did you just get back?” 

Finnegan’s face seemed grave. “Not good, I just returned from Asturia’s border, Lord Van sent me to relay a message to Allen, but when I got there..” His hand reached up to cover his mouth. “The Shezar Estate, it was burned to the ground. According to the city guard, no one made it out alive.” 

Merle’s eyes became wide as saucers. “What?!” She felt nausea worm its way from her stomach into her throat. “What do you mean??” 

“They all burned alive, killed and the house set fire.” he panted. “Everyone, including Allen and his sister, but..” he looked down. “I know I’m not supposed to read the messages, but Van told me someone showed up, and I checked the letter, and it said that Allen’s sister had been with him.”

Merle looked up at the castle, and she could see the faint glow around it. “Lord Van..” She felt panic as she screamed. The glow coming from it was fire. “LORD VAN!” She screamed and dropped the lantern and took off towards the castle. 

The messenger rushed to town, and gathered help.

Merle sunk down when she saw that the fire had spread to all parts of the castle, even with how wet it was, everything still burned. Wood splintered as it heated and the rain started to die down as if to help the fire spread. Smoke was everywhere, and she tried to look around to find Van, hoping he made it out.

Several hours and attempts to find the young king turned up empty. 

The fire died when a sudden downpour came again, dispelling the heat and flames. They searched the castle grounds, or what was left of it for Van. 

Merle just sat and waited, dead eyed and frantic. She would burst out in tears and strangled sobs. She knew Van was gone. 

They pulled out one body, the men who found it laid it down in its curled up position on the ground. 

Merle glanced at it, and sobbed more. She couldn’t bring herself to get up, move or even look closer at the body. 

Then they brought out another body, but this one had little head left on its shoulders. 

Merle screamed, the smell of charred flesh. It was Van’s flesh hit her nose she grabbed her head and screamed, charging forward and trying to reach him. “VAN!” She screamed, “NO NO NO NO PLEASE NO!” She cried. Merle scratched at the men who held her down. “Please not him, please!” She screamed, feeling blood in her mouth from how raw her throat was. “Please.. please come back..” 

 

“Please come back, Lord Van..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have some small parts that center around Celena and Dilandau I may put as an extras chapter after this one. If anyone is interested. This is prior to them showing up at Van's castle.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy reading this story to its finality.


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